Twi Trek
by ThreeHotPotatoes
Summary: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Twinterprise. Its five year mission: to explore strange new worlds, assist civilizations in their quest for peace, and to boldly crackfic where no fic has gone before. The Hot Potatoes are at it again. Rated M for eventual naughtiness and crackmania.
1. Chapter 1

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 1**

******ƬƬ** ΞО **ƬƬ**_  
_

_Captain's Log _

_Stardate: 3034_

_As per our orders from Starfleet, I've directed our navigator, Carlislov, to set a course to Rimjob, a planet on the cusp of annihilation. During our travels, we will boldly go where no man has gone before. _

"Dude, if you're talking about anal...I'm totally down with that."

"Damn it, Whitspock," I growled, putting my arm across the screen of my tablet to hide the ship's notes from my first officer's prying eyes. I glared at him over my shoulder, noticing the tips of his pointy ears were pink, a sign that his Vulcan libido had been activated.

* * *

**A/N: Yep...we're BACK! And we're STAR TREK! I have no idea who or what will show up. Tribbles? Insanity? WHO KNOWS!  
**

**We let our Sweet Potato off the hook for this one since we're heading back into the hetero world. Not that she CAN'T do hetero...I mean...The Breakers was a work of art! But it's back to the three original taters, I da Ho, Hot Tot and Momma Russett.**

**Stay tuned for more!**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	2. Chapter 2

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 2**

******ƬƬ** ΞО **ƬƬ**_  
_

"It was a logical assumption, Captain, given the name and population of the planet. And Dr. McCoyty, how many times do I have to tell you that you are not allowed to give the Vulcan salute when you want a high-five."

"Damnit, Whitspock! I'm just trying to give A-whora her due props—there's nothing like the feeling of a turgid sausage pushing through that tight balloon knot," McCoyty quirked the corner of his mouth up and I lost my resolve as Whitspock stared at Boner, mouth gaping.

"Looks like you might fit right in on this planet, Doc," I laughed.

* * *

**A/N: WHAT?**

**I have a small (huge) crush on McCoy(ty). **

**And I adore logic.**

**And Captain Cullenkirk will always be hot as fudge;)**

**So... I'm pretty much in writing heaven.**

**WHEEEE! Welcome back to our non-slash readers (we hope!) WE MISSED YOU!**

**xx ~ HT**


	3. Chapter 3

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 3**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ****************ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Captain?"

My heart stutter-stepped under my combadge. I spun around to the sultry voice of Ensign Isabella Swann, the newest, hottest member of the crew.

"Ensign."

"Might I have a word...in private?"

I swallowed thickly. Six hours into our journey, my erotipath already needed a "private word"? Twifleet Command must be laughing their collective ass off, knowing my reputation for leggy brunettes, putting that sweet morsel-in-a-microdress right under my nose.

The harsh threats of my Chief Security Officer—a battle-hardened, no-bullshit Swannulan and coincidentally, the ensign's father—were not idle. Male appendages _were_ in jeopardy—with mine topping the list.

* * *

**A/N: So Bella's an erotipath, eh? An extra-sensory sexual empath. Yeah, that might come in handy on this here starship! What does she want to talk about with Capt. Cullenkirk, Momma?**

**xx ~ IDH**


	4. Chapter 4

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 4  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I held my arm out for Isabella to go first, only halfheartedly thinking of chivalry. I was mostly hoping to get a glimpse of the two mounds of flesh rolling beneath the tight maroon fabric of her uniform. Isabella shopped short, forcing me to flail wildly or else end up face first in her impressive rack. With her rocking body, you could almost ignore the gnarly ridges above her eyebrows.

"This mission could prove highly explosive for the members of your crew," Isabella whispered, her vehemence knocking my hard cock down to a semi.

"What do you mean?"

* * *

**A/N: Oh MAN! Da Ho made Bella a Romulan! Apparently (after careful googling) Romulans and Vulcans are very similar, though they have a deep V shaped ridge above their eyebrows. They also have green blood, as it is high in copper, and pointed ears.  
**

**And now you have your Star Trek lesson for the day!**

**So...why is this mission explosive? Tell us Hot Tot!**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	5. Chapter 5

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 5  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Look, Captain Cullenkirk, I was hoping to fly under the radar during this mission, but I've been informed by Admiral Dwyer there's a traitor on-board the Twinterprise. I strongly suggest we return home to execute a cease and desist."

"S'that so, _Ensign_," I drawled. "And why should I follow your orders?"

Isabella rolled her eyes and glared at me, contemplating my question. "I'm trusting you not to blow my cover," she seethed as she gripped the side of her... _face?_... and started peeling. My mouth dropped as her already beautiful features softened, the tell-tale V disappeared, and her eyebrows evened.

* * *

**A/N: Oh my! Seems our Bella has a few secrets! Wonder how long it'll take Captain Cullenkirk to figure all of them out;)**

**SO EXCITED to have such a great response to this. You guys rock my world. **

**What's going on next, da Ho?**

**xx ~ Hot Tot**


	6. Chapter 6

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 6  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"You're..."_ remember your sensitivity training, Cullenkirk!_ "...not Swannulan?"

The ensign slammed her hands to her hips, then glowered harder when she caught me staring at the sliver of thigh freshly revealed by her bunched-up dress. "Seriously, Captain?"

"I wasn't—" I was so busted.

"May I remind you I'm a sexual empath? You don't have an erotic thought that doesn't enter my head space."

Her declaration should've made me shrivel, but Crewman Cullenkirk was in full salute mode. I cleared my throat, hoping to throw her off the scent.

"Perhaps we should get back to the matter at hand...a traitor?"

* * *

**A/N: Can you believe how Hot Tot totally tatered Momma's Romulan Swannulan? Things are fast and furious here...never know what to expect!**

**Oh, what to name the Captain's peen? Had we still been writing slash, I would've gone straight for REAR ADMIRAL! And of course, SEAMAN would've worked on a submarine, but alas...we're in space! Can someone please get back on topic here? We have a damn explosive traitor on board, for crying out loud!**

**Did you know that Pledge Week was nominated for Top Ten Fics Completed in May? Yep, the madness is true. You'll find loads of other great stories on the list as well, several by some of our readers, in fact! Check it out...you can vote every day, so head over to _twifanfictionrecs . com_ and spread the sunshine!**

**Love all you brave voyageurs (or was that voyeurs?) for being here with us for this nutso adventure!  
****XXX ~IDH****  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 7  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Ensign Swann leaned closer, her natural fragrance clouding my mind.

"I can _feel_ your desire," she whispered, her breath on my face forcing my eyes closed in near-ecstasy. My traitorous cock twitched wildly beneath the thick fabric of my uniform slacks, threatening an orgasm.

"What does it feel like?" I rasped, my eyes opening to slits in preparation for what would undoubtedly be an epic make-out session. I couldn't think of her true reason for being on my ship…not with her sensuous form torturing me.

"It feels like…" she sighed, her delicate hand moving forward.

"Like?"

"It feels like..."

"Cullenkirk!"

* * *

**A/N: An explosive traitor? Well I didn't do much but add to the lust and must aboard the ship. The windows will be fogged soon!  
**

**So sorry to the Tot for sending this random shit her way. **

**Love each and every one of you guys. I *attempted* to send out review replies...but as with everything when it comes to life...I probably failed miserably. **

**Do your worst, Hot Tot!**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	8. Chapter 8

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 8  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I snapped back from la-la land at Ensign Swann's sharp command. Her eyes were wide, grin planted firmly on her luscious lips. "You're easier to manipulate than most. That means you're either a nymphomaniac or asexual. Tell me, Captain…which one?"

"What…what did you just do to me?"

Isabella stepped so close I could smell her cotton-candy scented breath. "Merely showed you the consequences of fucking with me…_sir_. Since you refuse to abort this mission, I require your complete cooperation. One toe out of line and I'll have you so distracted, you'll go down as the worst captain in Starfleet history."

* * *

**A/N: Right... well... that happened. Still no clue who the traitor is. Or how they know one is aboard. Or who the heck is on planet Rimjob and why they're observing them. Or whether or not A-whora knocked Boner out for trying to Vulcan-five her. **

**But we found out that Isabella can apparently manipulate thoughts. Maybe she's cousins with Zafrina and Whitspock? She's a little feisty, too, it seems. I bet that's just what our captain needs! **

**What's next, da HO?**

**xx**

**HT**


	9. Chapter 9

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 9  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

My blood heated from a slow simmer to a rolling boil.

"Ensign, you've mistaken me for a man who allows his emotions to rule him."

I neglected to add that I'd just described my chief medical officer to a tee. We could ill afford this sexually superior creature getting her hooks into Boner on our way to Planet Rimjob. On a good day, McCoyty was half-cocked.

Swann's angry forehead nearly reproduced the missing ridge. "So you deny fantasizing about bending me over the antimatter core just now?"

"Not at all," I admitted, "but the desire does not generate the action."

* * *

**A/N: Still recovering from MR's last a/n and HT's epic Captain Cullenkirk Cockblock. Dudes.**

**Oh golly, will Swann get Boner worked up before they breach the Rimjob atmosphere? EEEEEEEEEP!**

**Will these two ever stop fighting?**

**WTF is an antimatter core?**

**Stay tuned...**

**xxx ~IDH**


	10. Chapter 10

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 10  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"The desire does not generate the action," Swann repeated, her voice husky as the words tripped off her tongue and spilled over her luscious lips like a linguistic lava flow.

"Captain?"

I spun around, chagrined to have fallen under her erotic spell again, and faced Whitspock. I hoped he would be discreet enough not to mention the massive bulge pressing against my uniform zipper.

"I see we have a situation," Whitspock drawled, his eyes locked on my crotch.

"Ensign Swann was just bringing me up to speed on a matter of great importance," I stammered.

Whitspock's raised eyebrow called bullshit.

* * *

**A/N: Dude...I da Ho left me nearly speechless, which you should all know is pretty hard to do. How the hell could I follow that?  
**

**I love that you guys are enjoying this so far. I really feel (since I'm pretty clueless when it comes to Star Trek) that anyone SHOULD be able to follow along. But if you have a question...ask away! **

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	11. Chapter 11

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 11  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Yes, well now that you're _up_, Captain, perhaps you can join on bridge. There a small matter that needs your attention," Whitspock said then eyed Isabella. "Ensign, I strongly recommend you replacing your mask before joining us."

Jasper turned on his heel and left. I glanced back at Isabella once more to memorize her flawless face before following Jasper.

"Captain on the bridge!" Carlislov shouted as I entered the bridge and discovered the "minor" issue Whitspock couldn't handle.

"What the hell happened to Lieutenant Yorlu? McCoyty, help the man up!" I commanded.

"Dammit Captain! I'm a doctor, not a fluffer!"

* * *

**A/N: So... how do you follow epicness? You make shit up... again. I may lose my potato status if I keep this up! **

**So... recap?**

**Emmett McCarty = McCoyty = Ltn. Commander McCoy/Bones**

**Alice = A-whora = Ltn. Uhura**

**Edward and Jasper are clear I think**

**Carlisle = Carlislov = Ensign Checov**

**Eric Yorki = Ltn. Yorlu = Sulu**

**We still don't know who the traitor is... McCoyty is a big ol' perv... and Whitspock either knew or didn't care that Isabella was pretending to be Romulan.**

**That about it? What'd I leave out, da Ho? Oh... and whats Yorlu doing on the floor?**

**xx ~ HT**


	12. Chapter 12

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 12  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I stifled a laugh at Whitspock—nobody does eye roll like a perma-quirked-brow Vulcan.

"Doctor, I believe what the Captain intended was lifting the man's body, not raising an erection."

Boner responded with a sputtered, "Fiiiine!" and hoisted Yorlu to his feet.

"Lieutenant, explain please."

Yorlu rubbed the back of his head. "I believe I experienced some form of gaseous anomaly, Captain."

I hated myself for it, but my neck snapped around to the corner of the room where Swann was watching the whole scene with great amusement. _No, it couldn't be_.

"Analyze it and report back, Yorlu."

"Aye, Captain."

* * *

**A/N: Was that gaseous anomaly caused by Swann or just a batch of rough chili? I have no idea, but it sure threw Yorlu for a loop! ****_Yorlu_? OMG, HT. **

**In researching the Star Trek characters for this, my respect for all the creators and directors along the way has grown tremendously. Aside from having one of the most kickass FB pages around, George Takei (who played the original Sulu- the crew's astrosciences physicist) offers this about the derivation of his character's name (courtesy of Wikipedia):**

**Takei recalled Gene Roddenberry wanted the character to represent all of Asia, which symbolized the peace of the _Trek_ universe in spite of the numerous wars in the continent. Roddenberry did not want a nationally specific surname, so he looked at a map and saw the Sulu Sea. "He thought, 'Ah, the waters of that sea touch all shores'," the actor recalled, "and that's how my character came to have the name Sulu."**

**The reviews on this one are so much damn fun. Thank you all.**

**Well now, MR, do tell! ****xxx ~IDH**


	13. Chapter 13

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 13  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I flung myself down in my command chair and peddled it around with my feet until I had Ensign Swann in my eyeline. I couldn't help but wonder if Yorlu's 'gaseous anomaly' might have been the work of our traitor. If he or she had tampered with our food supply – well then it was only a matter of time before we would all succumb to the gastronomic torture.

"Captain?"

A-whora's voice stole my attention away from my sweet Ensign, and I pushed out of my chair with a harrumph to join her.

"I've started to receive distress calls from Rimjob."

* * *

**A/N: Aren't you glad you this fic comes with a lesson!  
**

**So...could the traitor be messing with the mess hall and giving them all messy pants?**

**Seriously? **

**If you hadn't already known this shit was crack...it's all spelled out now.**

**So...distress calls from Rimjob. They must have run out of lube!**

**What's next, Hot Tot?**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	14. Chapter 14

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 14  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I sighed, belaying my frustration with this mission already, and stared at the jibber-jabber on the screen in front of us.

"Can you translate it for me?"

"My Rimjoboneian is a little rusty, but I'm pretty sure they're asking for help. It seems the Volterra's have invaded their planet and are forcing them to watch heterosexual pornography."

"Come again, Lieutenant?" I asked.

"That's what he said," Boner muttered, finger pointing at Whitspock.

"Real mature, McCoyty," A-whora said, grabbing his finger and twisting.

"Actually, that was the exact opposite of maturity," Whitspock injected dryly.

"Can you people please focus!" I yelled.

* * *

**A/N: I don't even know how to follow gaseous anomalies and a traitor that's giving the crew the shits. Seriously? OMG. I DIE. We are some classy ladies:)**

**So... RimjoBONEians (get it?) don't like to watch het porn, huh? Who the heck are these people? What do they look like? IDK!**

**Thanks for all of the love. You guys rock so hard!**

**xx**

**Hot Tot**


	15. Chapter 15

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 15  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"A-whora, hail Rimjob."

"Yes, all hail rimjob!" Boner saluted with a tight fist raised high in the air.

"Captain, I have their leader on the frequency," A-whora cut in.

"On screen." I sat ramrod straight in my chair as a surprisingly familiar face floated in front of me. "Riley?" I choked out.

"Edward? Thank God it's you."

My stomach flipped sideways, and a cold sweat broke across my forehead. I opened my mouth to speak but could not produce a sound until a firm hand grasped my shoulder.

"I've got you, Captain," Ensign Swann murmured soothingly as the tension receded.

* * *

**A/N: Why so nervous, Captain? How do these two know each other? Ensign Swann's gonna help? Hmmmm... MR?**

**XXX ~IDH**


	16. Chapter 16

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 16  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Memories bombarded me as I stared into a face that had once been as familiar as my own. Riley and I had grown up together in Iowa and spent one frightening and exhilarating summer away at camp. Riley and I had experimented the way most normal teenage boys did.

When we returned to school, I went back to chasing pussy, and I'd assumed Riley had as well.

Apparently…I had been wrong.

"We need your help," Riley pleaded. Though we'd had a – complicated history, with Ensign Swann's help, I hoped I could deal with it long enough to help the Rimjoboneians.

* * *

**A/N: Cheese and crackers, I da Ho, how could you possibly set me up that way?! Was our dear sweet, pussy-lover, Captain Cullenkirk bi-curious at one time? Apparently so. Is every member of the planet Rimjob gay? Yes...yes they are. The planet is one giant, beautiful rainbow.  
**

**I think that's the longest I've ever held the potato. Sorry. I was busy with my monsters. I considered driving us all into an overpass, but I somehow managed to resist. And then ff decided to be an epic douche and not let me post. Bullshit I tell you!**

**Now...Hot Tot...how will our illustrious Captain save those butt pirates?**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	17. Chapter 17

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 17  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I stood at my desk in my private chambers, head bowed, as I tried to make sense of everything that happened in the past two hours. A soft knock at the door startled me, and I couldn't help but smile when Isabella stepped into my room but refused my offer to sit on the Captain-sized bed.

"Isabella," I crooned, "how can I help you?"

"Edward," she tested out my given name and my dick twitched as it rolled off her lips. "I wanted to offer you an apology. Given your history with women, I thought you'd refuse the Rimjoboneians aid."

* * *

**A/N: IDK how to save them! SO I time jumped:) **

**Thanks for all the love. I apologize for not doing review replies this last round. I read them all, of course, but life on the weekends is busy and I figure you'd rather have another chapter than my nonsense replies!**

**Love your faces.**

**xx ~ HT **


	18. Chapter 18

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 18  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Apology accepted." I rose from my chair and met the ensign toe-to-toe. "I have a planet to save, and there's some kind of evil force working against me on my own ship. I'm going to need every ounce of energy-sexual and otherwise-focused on the task. I need your loyalty, Swann. Now tell me, do I have it?"

When she reached for me, I fought not to flinch, but the effort did not escape her. "Edward-"

"Captain," I corrected gruffly.

She nodded. "Of course, Captain."

"Good. You'll lead the briefing. I need my officers to know everything about Rimjob."

* * *

**A/N: IdH is out today so I'm posting this for her! (she wrote it!) **

**Looks like Captain Cullenkirk grew a backbone!**

**XX ~ HT**


	19. Chapter 19

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 19  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Captain Cullenkirk asked me to give you a blow by blow of the circumstances that led up to the imminent explosion in Rimjob."

The obnoxiously loud throat clearing to my left had me muffling a groan in my hands as I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable.

"I think I can give you the blow by blow," McCoyty said seriously. Ensign Swann unknowingly waved him forward, and God bless her…I think she was anticipating a real answer.

"The boy lovin' boys of Rimjob gave one too many blow by blows and now the place is covered in splooge."

* * *

**A/N: Oh I love me some Boner. He's just too easy.  
**

**So...do you think that's the problem, Hot Tot? Or are those poor twinks and bears surrounded by homophobes? **

**Stay tuned for our next episode. **

**:-P**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	20. Chapter 20

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 20  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Without giving it a second thought, my left hand reached out and smacked the back of Boner's head.

"For fuck's sake, man," I grumbled. "Can you be serious about this, please?"

A rare smile passed across McCoyty's lips. "Come on, Edward. She set me up perfectly." He leaned closer and lowered his voice. "Besides, you know it's been a while. Plus, I can't seem to think about anything else lately!"

I fought back a smile as I stared at my oldest friend. He had a point… it _was_ an epic setup. And he definitely needed to get laid. But still…

* * *

**A/N: Oh... this one wrote itself. LOL. **

**LOVE YOU GUYS!**

**xx ~ HT**


	21. Chapter 21

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 21  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Doctor," I cautioned, willing Boner to simmer down.

"Perhaps I might be of some service?" The ensign's warm eyes shone with empathy from under her disguise.

"Yes," I agreed. "After the briefing, follow McCoyty to sick bay."

"Aye, Captain," she nodded.

McCoyty took a challenging step toward me. "Good GOD, man! You're not putting me alone with that ..._creature_?" His face twisted into an expression of horror I hadn't seen since we'd left the vomit-lined streets of Planet Ipecac.

"Captain, if I may...?"

"What is it, Whitspock?"

"I believe the ensign was on the verge of illuminating the Rimjob experience."

* * *

**A/N: I'm baaaack! And what madness has taken place here while I've been away? Splooge-lined streets and wisecracking doctors?**

**Thank you to my fellow taters for doing the heavy lifting in my absence while Mr. Born Tater took me to some very wet but very fun places! ("I thought you _liked_ being wet!" he actually said as I ran through a ginormous puddle.) You can blame Shell's awesome phone emoticons for the imagery of Planet Ipecac, outer space's own vomitorium.**

**Looking forward to catching up with all you crazy people reading and reviewing. *waves hello to Mr. H* Come on, honey, leave us just ONE REVIEW? Pretty, pretty please-with me on top?**

**xxx ~IDH**


	22. Chapter 22

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 22  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Yes," I mumbled distractedly, thinking about just how Ensign Swann might help Boner relieve his 'tension.'

Would there be hands involved?

Could she just pop into his subconscious and set up an entire, realistic fantasy that would leave him shooting his load all over sickbay?

Had she…

Ensign Swann's hypnotic voice distracted me from my thoughts.

"For millennia, Rimjob has been inhabited by the same-sex loving Rimjoboneians. They were unaware that lurking miles beneath their jizz-covered streets were the Volterrians. This subspecies of Rimjoboneians lack normal sexual organs."

"Which obviously pissed them the fuck off."

"Shut _up_, Boner," I snarled.

* * *

**A/N: Duuuuddddeeee...I KNEW I was going to need a pie chart or something to tell me when it was my turn. All damn day I was waiting for Hot Tot to update. But no...it was my damn turn.  
**

**SORRY!**

**So...think Ken Doll. :-) As Boner said, no wonder they're pissed. **

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	23. Chapter 23

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 23  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Isabella continued, not missing a beat. "The Volterrians have both male and female reproductive organs. Each time they mate, they compete in an epic battle of the peens where the loser is forced to carry the offspring."

"The fuck?" Boner gasped.

Isabella cut her eyes at McCoyty, but Whitspock spoke up to defend him. "In this instance, I must agree with the doctor's reaction."

Resigned, Isabella persisted. "As you can imagine, two dueling peens can be rather climactic but they often bring harm to their competitor."

"Dueling peens, Edward! It's like my wet dream come true!" Boner whispered to me.

* * *

**A/N: BAHAHAHA! I don't even know how to follow that epicness. This was the best I could do. **

**Dueling Peens! DUELING PEEEEEEEEEENS!**

**So... to clarify...**

**To Volterrians meet and say let's have sex! But neither of them wants to be the girl... so before they mate, they have an epic sword fight. **

**Why is this important? IDK! **

**Love your faces!**

**xx**

**HT**


	24. Chapter 24

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 24  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

My eyes cut to my friend, who was beginning to scare me. "Did you hear the ensign? Dueling's _dangerous_!"

"Only if you lose," he shot back with an accompanying eyebrow waggle.

A-whora's hand shot into the air. "Ensign Swann, if I may?"

"Please."

"So to recap, the Rimjoboneians are a peace-loving, homosexual culture sharing a planet with a subset of their own, a sexually self-selecting hermaphroditic tribe who for some reason have decided that the Rimjoboneians need to watch het porn. Is that correct?"

Boner elbowed me and tipped his chin at Whitspock's brightly-shining libido barometers also known as ears.

* * *

**A/N: I had NO idea what the hell was going on here, so I asked A-whora to summarize. Phew.**

**These poor guys have zero secrets from each other. But someone on board is keeping a secret, right?**

**We still don't know why the planet is on the verge of extinction...or why the Twinterprise is on the verge of ex-STINK-tion due to gaseous anomalies. Fine, I'll sit in the punalty box for that one. Worth it!**

**Ahem...MR, it's YOUR turn! I knew we should not have distracted her with that chocolate anus, Anakins Mom! ****God love you people for still reading this crazy thing.**

**xxx ~IDH**


	25. Chapter 25

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 25  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I felt bad for my Vulcan second-in-command and his intelligence-led libido. Heaven help us if A-whora ever started reciting the Twifleet rule book.

"The reasons for the Volterrian's hatred of the Rimjoboneian's same-sex orientation is unknown," Swann continued. "After several distress calls with overly-loud and obviously fake female orgasms echoing in the background, Twifleet has decided to take the situation seriously. Our mission is to infiltrate Rimjob and plant a spy in their midst."

Boner shot out of his chair with his hand raised high.

"I volunteer as gaybute!"

"Jesus fuck," I grumbled as Swann stared at my cock-loving physician.

* * *

**A/N: Gaybute...Tribute...sorry...had to be done.  
**

**:-)**

**Know what I saw in porn the other day? A foreskin shot. They poured tequila into a dude's foreskin and sucked it out.**

**Why is this relevant? It's not. But DUDE!**

**Okay...onward, Hot Tot!**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	26. Chapter 26

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 26  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

My head was pounding when I finally dismissed most of the crew, keeping only those I trusted implicitly behind: Whitspock, A-whora, Isabella, and—God help us all—McCoyty.

"What I'm about to tell you does not leave this room," I began, cutting straight to the point. "Ensign Swann is on-ship undercover. There's a traitor amongst us, but we have no idea who or why, and Isabella's priority is to keep our crew safe and find out what this suspicious spy wants with my ship."

"Uhh..." McCoyty said, gripping the back of his neck. "I may know something about that, Captain."

* * *

**A/N: Epic chapters are epic and I fail to live up to Gaybute. And now IdH may kill me for this setup. **

**I'm review fail again today, though I'll try to do a few now. I apologize and blame my mini-tots... who are still awake. **

**Now.. WTF does Boner know? I have an idea! I kinda hope IdH's matches mine!**

**xx**

**HT**

**PS... I noticed some of you were surprised Boner's gay. COME ON! It's Pride Month! OF COURSE he's gay! We potatoes gotta support equality!**


	27. Chapter 27

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 27  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

McCoyty glanced at the Vulcan. "A private word, Captain?"

"I wish to hear the doctor's insights," Whitspock asserted.

They both glared, forcing me to choose sides. "Out with it, Boner."

"Fine," he sighed. "I'm performing an experiment—"

"Authorized by whom?" I interrupted.

"Um ..._me_." McCoyty flinched as if expecting to be struck.

A-whora's eyes narrowed as McCoyty stepped away from Whitspock. "I'm testing a theory about the effects of high fiber and lactose on copper-based life forms."

Whitspock glowered. "Inducing widespread flatulence in an airtight environment? What is this theory you're testing?"

McCoyty shrugged. "That it would be funny."

* * *

**A/N: Silly, silly Boner. Really? I'm kind of with McCoyty here- nothing funnier than a fart-until it knocks out your Chief Engineer. Woopsie! Hey, how is Yorlu anyway?**

**Boner didn't exactly say how his experiment connects to the "traitor" because I ran out of words, but I'm sure MR will link us up. (BAHAHA! I'm not sure of anything with that tater, except that it won't be what I was expecting!)**

** Is A-Whora gonna nut-punch Boner? What does Ensign Swann have to say about all this? And how are the peen duels going down below? So many questions!**

**xx ~IDH**


	28. Chapter 28

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 28  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Aside from your misguided attempt at humor," Whitspock snarled, backing his rancid-smelling ass into the corner, "how did you deduce that your little experiment might help us discover the traitor."

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Why don't you explain," Swann sighed dramatically, her patience wearing thin.

"I've been spiking the crew's food for weeks, but the traitor has only been on board a few days. All we have to do is find the one person on the ship who isn't blasting rancid funk out of their ass."

"How in the hell do you propose we do that?" I snapped.

"We can just…"

* * *

**A/N: Just? Just what?  
**

**I have an idea but we never know if Hot Tot and I are sharing a brain today. **

**Your acceptance of this monstrosity makes me smile. :-)**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	29. Chapter 29

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 29  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"...have everyone fart on an odometer. We see who has the lowest reading and _voila_... traitor!"

Silence filled the room.

"Odometers?"

"Yeah. They measure odors, right?"

"Boner... that's just... I don't even..."

McCoyty burst out laughing. "I'm just fucking with you, man. I'm a doctor, not an idiot. I did happen to bring my Fartometer on our little voyage, though."

"Are you... _fucking_... with us again, Doctor?" Whitspock asked.

"Nope. The Fartometer measures the hydrogen sulfide and temperature of any gaseous emission. Everyone but our perp will rate at least a six. Speaking of..." Boner cocked his hip.

Isabella yelled...

* * *

**A/N: WHAAA? MR blew my mind. And kinda made me wanna vomit. Lol. I totally thought Boner was the supposed traitor and his shenanigans caused mass hysteria for nothing. Instead, he's the hero for giving people gas So we can find out who the spy is and what they want! #genius! ****  
**

**So apparently these two college kids built a Fartometer (idk what they named it) as a senior project. They got an A, even though they couldn't actually demonstrate it in front of their class. If a smell ranked a 9 or ten... A fan turned on. Bahahaha. Gross. **

**My Internet is out tonight. I'm assuming from the storms that've been rolling through so I'm tapping this out on my phone and can't do review replies again. I'll answer any questions tomorrow. Sorry I'm fail. You guys are awesome tho! Massive love!**

**xx**

**HT**


	30. Chapter 30

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 30  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"People!"

All four of our heads snapped to the irritated erotipath.

"What's your problem, sex girl?" McCoyty griped.

Ensign Swann drew up to her full height, balled her hands into angry fists at her hips, and glowered, the ridge practically levitating off her forehead.  
"My problem is this, doctor," she sneered. "I was led to believe that the Twinterprise was the premiere ship in the fleet..."

She turned her wild, hooded eyes on me, and I felt a sudden chill.

"My father has bragged about this crew for years...years! This is the best you can do...fart meters? I'm...I'm..."

* * *

**A/N: it's all too much for any classy woman to take. Honestly! What is she, MR? Xxx IDH**


	31. Chapter 31

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 31  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"…going back to my cabin."

My eyes followed Swann – Isabella—as she made her way out of the conference room. I knew I should stay and supervise McCoyty's fart detector, but all I could think of was the defeated, disappointed look on Isabella's face as she walked out. She was disappointed in me. Hell, _I_ was disappointed in me. Boner was shoving shit into our food right under my nose and I'd been clueless until the toxic odor had knocked one of my crew unconscious.

Without giving myself a chance to back out, I quickly and quietly followed after Isabella.

* * *

**A/N: She's defeated, I da Ho. That's what she is. Poor Swann. Maybe if Captain Cullenkirk used his little crew member, he might be able to make her feel better.  
**

**Hey Hot Tot...sexy-times?**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	32. Chapter 32

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 32  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I knocked on Isabella's door and fidgeted in the hallway until she answered.

"Captain?" she asked. "Why're you here? Is there _another_ problem?"

Frustrated at her obvious lack of confidence in my abilities as captain, I ran my fingers through my already unruly hair. "No. Of course not. I just… I couldn't bear the thought of turning in for the night and letting you think this ship, and my crew, is worthless."

"Edward, I shouldn't..."

"No, Bella," I interrupted. "Let me finish. Boner may be an idiot, of epic proportions, but he's the best damn doctor there is. Period. And.."

* * *

**A/N: Oooooooooo... he called her Bella. **

**Sorry. that was all I had. No sexy times from this potato yet!**

**xx**

**HT**


	33. Chapter 33

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 33**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Her Swannulan lips sucked out the rest of my sentence and every coherent thought that might've followed. Part of me was aware that I was being expertly osculated but the realization got lost somewhere between my brain and my crotch. I took over the kissing when she pulled back, wrapping my hand behind her neck and holding her captive to my crazed exploration of her alien mouth.

Her firm hand against my chest finally won out, and I let her push me away. My dick would have plenty to say about that later, but the ensign was my first concern.

* * *

**A/N: What do you think, MR? Was that REAL or was that erotipathical? HA! YES it's a word. Of COURSE, it's a word! Can't wait to hear the captain and his dick hashing this one out. D'oh!**

**And what SHOULDN'T Bella be doing, Hot Tot? Kissing? Something WORSE? Does she want him? Is it so hard to resist?**

**xxx ~IDH**


	34. Chapter 34

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 34**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"What have you done to me?" she snarled breathlessly. I struggled to take my eyes off her pink, succulent lips, all wet from our tongue tango.

"What?" Her accusation went in one ear and out the other without making any kind of sense.

"My ability, I can't access your erotic core," Isabella ranted, eyes narrowed in accusation.

"How the fuck could I have done anything to mess with your erotic core transponder or whatever?" I mumbled, my brain sorely lacking the proper blood supply since it was all pooled in my still-engorged cock.

"Oh my God," she gasped, "you're my…"

* * *

**A/N: He's her...what?! AHHH!  
**

**I love you guys. Each and every one. **

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	35. Chapter 35

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 35**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"…a'lar."

I raised my hand to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Your what?" I asked, moving forward to close the gap between us again.

Unfortunately, her hand stayed firmly against my chest and her eyes dropped to the ground. "Bneav," she muttered, pushing me into the hallway. "I'm sorry, Edward. You need to go. Now."

"_Oh_-kayyy?"

"I apologize for offending you before, Captain. I was frustrated, and to be quite honest, a little confused—I'm not used to either. I'll apologize to the crew first thing."

_She's_ confused? She just did a one-eighty on me… twice!

* * *

**A/N: bahahahhaha. I'm an evil bitch making up my own language! Guess I'll have to share it with the other potatoes, but poor Edward will just have to wait to figure out what she's saying during these emotional moments.**

**What's next, MR? I'll be over here ducking from tomatoes. **

**love you guys hard. **

**xx**

**HT**


	36. Chapter 36

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 36**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Her cabin door closed with a soft whoosh, but it might as well have been ten-gauge carbon steel. We didn't even speak the same damn language. What the hell had she called me? _Allah_?

Before I realized I was running, I was back on the bridge.

"Doctor, I refuse to subject my intestines to your juvenile plot."

"Dammit, Whitspock, it's science!"

"You're a little boy and you regard this ship and her crew as your toys. I for one—"

"Captain on the bridge!"

I glared at my infantile officers. "Set aside the farts, men. A-whora, you speak Swannulan, correct?"

* * *

**A/N: I cannot believe Hot Tot is writing her own language here. Where's the potato manual? Oh yeah...we have no rules! **

**Sorry it took me so long to do my thing here. I forgot summer is supposed to be relaxing, apparently!**

**Love you guys! **

**xxx ~IDH**


	37. Chapter 37

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 37**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Aye, Captain," A-whora responded diligently, undoubtedly knowing if she lied, she was getting her ass spanked by her Vulcan lover later.

"What the fuck does 'a'lar' mean?" The look on her face would have been comical if I wasn't already shitting my pants.

"It means 'love', sir."

Well shit.

That was about how I felt at the moment. The nausea, the sweaty palms, the racing heart…all could be love. Though I should have McCoyty check me out to be safe.

"Boner, meet me in sickbay," I ordered, ignoring the looks from both Whitspock and A-whora.

"Do you need a prostate exam?"

* * *

**A/N: So 'a'lar' means love, huh? She loves him? He loves her? I'm drunk off my ass and watching our new rescued bunny shit everywhere and eat our drywall?  
**

**Yep.**

**So...DOES he need a prostate exam?**

**Damn...I guess I eventually need to enjoy het sex again, right? Ugh...such a hardship.**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	38. Chapter 38

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 38**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I hopped up on the examination table in the sickbay and started rambling. "There's something wrong with my stomach. And I must have a fever because my palms won't stop sweating."

"Right. Well, I'm not sure where you were an hour ago when we discussed the contaminated food, but…"

"Cute, Doc. But something's seriously wrong with me. My heart's racing and I lose my breath whenever I…" _think of Isabella_. _Fuck_.

"Oh! I can fix that!" McCoyty exclaimed. He grabbed a needle and jammed it into my throat before I could tell him nothing was wrong with me… physically anyway.

* * *

**A/N: I'm dying! I can't believe how fast they caved on telling Edward what she said! The life of a potato is not for the faint of heart!**

**So... I had no clue what we were doing in the sickbay. I just wanted McCoyty to jab Edward in the throat. **

**Special shout out to our favorite French soon-to-be-professor... Massive hugs, love, and luck to you, bb! **

**What's next, IdH?**

**xx ~ HT**


	39. Chapter 39

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 39**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"The FUCK, Boner?"

Yanking the stethoscope from his ears, he shot me a smug smile. "Heart rate's normal. How's the belly?"

Much as I hated to admit it, my stomach ache was gone, and my palms had stopped leaking buckets. "Fine," I growled.

He cocked his brow. "You rarely say thank you when the situation calls for it; know that?"

I gritted my teeth. "Thank you for ...what the fuck did you do?"

"_Almost_ grateful," he chuckled. "I neutralized your genitals."

"You _castrated_ me?"

McCoyty's leer dropped to my lap. "I assure you, captain, your balls are very much intact."

* * *

**A/N: Thank GOD the cap'n has his balls! But wait...they're not working right now? I think I might need one of those neutralizers!**

**I have to apologize for being lame at answering reviews lately. Do you have any idea how hard it is keeping pace with these crazy taters? Your reviews spur us all on to continue the insanity (should you think about that a little, people?) and they warm our taters like a heat lamp at McDonald's!**

**Now then, can the captain get on with business, MR?**

**xxx ~IDH**


	40. Chapter 40

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 40  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I slumped against the wall behind the cot, frustration stealing my strength. I had a traitor on my ship, a planet in peril, a physician using my crew's bowels as his own personal comedy club and apparently, I was in love with a woman I knew nothing about.

"Do you want me to check out your balls for ya?"

I rolled my head to the side, glaring at Boner.

"I was just kidding," he said, holding his hands up. "But seriously, Edward, you need to get your shit together before your inability to compartmentalize sends us into a black hole."

* * *

**A/N: Dude...only I da Ho would kinda castrate our hero! I'll leave the business to Hot Tot.  
**

**I'm just as fail at review replies. But I read them all and your words cover me like a warm, snuggly blanket in the middle of a snow storm.  
**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	41. Chapter 41

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 41  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

The following morning, I held another meeting with my closest crew members and placed Boner in charge of gathering the crew members to discreetly test their gaseous emissions. Only he could get away with asking everyone on the crew to fart without raising suspicion. I put A-whora in charge of Boner because... well, because he's Boner.

I spent the rest of the morning with Whitspock trying to absorb as much information about the Volterra's and Rimjoboneian's as possible. We were twenty minutes out from Rimjob when a triumphant Dr. McCoyty and an amused Ensign Swann graced my doorway.

"Found her, Captain!"

* * *

**A/N: I'm turning into MR with all of these time jumps and into IdH with logically moving the plot forward. Scary.**

**SOOOOOO... who's the traitor? What're they gonna do to her?**

**You guys are the best. I'm constantly amazed by all of your love and faith in us... you stick with us through space farts, longass author notes, and one or two tiny inconsistencies from time to time! THANK YOU so much for making this that much more fun for us. **

**xx ~ Hot Tot **


	42. Chapter 42

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 42  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"You're sure?"

"Her farts are as pure as a Melesian geyser."

"Bring her to me."

McCoyty smirked and sprang away to collect the prisoner. "Right away, Captain."

Ensign Swann folded her arms over her chest and glared. "I'll need to supervise your interrogation." I needed no Twifleet communications officer to interpret the female's jealousy. Or was it simply frustration because she had no hold over me now?

"As you wish, ensign."

Her eyebrow ridge rose, and she immediately regarded my crotch. A tiny gasp gave her away.

"What's the matter? Worried I might respond to the prisoner instead of you?"

* * *

**A/N: OH MY! Do Swannulans actually turn green with envy? Will the captain respond sexually to the traitor? Are his balls just neutralized against Isabella? WHO IS THE TRAITOR? How many potatoes more can we stall in revealing her identity? Has the ensign EVER failed to arouse interest before? Is this situation reversible? Will the injection wear off? Will the captain NEVER get hard again? Ho-LEE-Spaceballs!**

******Meles II =a friendly planet in Star Trek Next Generation. Hey, you think I'm making this shit up? BAHAHAHA!**

******Dude. You guys are awesome, and your reviews are insane. XXX ~IDH**


	43. Chapter 43

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 43  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I pointedly ignored Isabella's scowl as the door whooshed open and Boner escorted the traitor in with a hand in the small of her back. Only my years of training kept my gasp of surprise silent. Andorian's were normally a peaceful race. Totally blind with blue skin and white hair, their insect-like antennae were used as receptors for their telepathic abilities. I'd never known one to be anything but benign.

"I give you our traitor," Boner announced dramatically. Anjess stepped forward, her gaze sightless as she looked up at me.

Isabella stepped forward and slapped her right across her face.

* * *

**A/N: Holy Balls! A blue traitor! Why did Isabella slap her? Why is she a traitor? Did Captain Cullenkirk bang the blue chick?  
**

**I DON'T KNOW!**

**Maybe Hot Tot does.**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	44. Chapter 44

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 44  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

My mouth dropped open and I grabbed Isabella's wrist to pull her back.

"Bella! What are you doing?"

Instead of acknowledging me, she jerked away from my grasp and took two steps forward, her finger right in front of our traitor. "Keep your fucking thoughts off of him because I can guaran-damn-tee his aren't on you."

Whoa… if Boner hadn't neutralized my balls I'm pretty sure Major Cullenkirk would be knocking on my zipper right about now. A ragey Isabella was a hot Isabella. I decided to hound McCoyty for an antidote fucking ASAP… right after I dealt with Anjess.

* * *

**A/N: Ruh-roh! Looks like someone was jealous. **

**What's next, IdH?**

**xx ~ HT**


	45. Chapter 45

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 45  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Anjess' antennae twitched. "Swannulan." Her voice was remarkably calm.

"Yes, you...slutty space smurf!"

McCoyty giggled, then cupped his hand over his mouth when I glowered at him. If I've learned one thing in all my years, it's to wait until the women actually start rolling on the floor before coming between them.

Anjess turned her head to face Bella. "Your interior circuitry is in need of recalibration."

"Oh, I'd like to recalibrate your—wait, what do you mean?"

"You're picking up the right vibes, but your aim is off."

Bella's jaw dropped. "You're madly in love with the idiot doctor?"

* * *

**A/N: The traitor loves the doctor? What is going on here, MR? **

**Heehee! XXX ~IDH**


	46. Chapter 46

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 46  
**

**********Ƭ************Ƭ ********ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Anjess blushed, the pink tinge turning her blue skin purple. She looked like a fucking grape.

"No, my affection is for the little entity behind you."

If I wasn't so confused by the entire interaction, I would have laughed at the sight of everyone spinning around.

"What is that?" McCoyty screeched, jumping up on the conference table as if the creature was getting ready to attack. I was pretty sure he peed himself.

"You're in love with a tribble?" Isabella gasped, looking back to our traitor.

"His name is Mike, and I snuck aboard to tell him how I feel."

* * *

**A/N: The traitor loves a tribble? What's the trouble with tribbles? WTF is a tribble?  
**

**Google that shit peeps! The pictures are too cute. **

**Shit is going downhill fast. What's next, Tot?**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	47. Chapter 47

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 47  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Eeeshk," McCoyty lamented. "I get enough flak just trying to get it on with another man. Good luck getting equal rights for a tribble and... whateverthefuck you are."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Boner! Do I have to make you sit through sensitivity training again?" I yelled, then threw out orders to everyone in the room. "Ensign, have Whitspock detain Anjess in the holding cell. Hell, throw the tribble in too if she wants. McCoyty, come with me. You're fixing this little problem you gave me before we land on Rimbjob."

"Oh, I can't fix that, Edward... you have to."

* * *

**A/N: There should definitely be equality for tribbles and whateverthefucks. **

**How's he gonna fix that space peen, IdH?**

**You guys rock hard. Thanks so much!**

**Xx ~ HT**


	48. Chapter 48

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 48  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"How do you propose I—?"

"Captain! We're being hailed!"

"On screen, A-whora." Riley's distress penetrated the glass panel and 300 billion kilometers between us. I sank into my chair, ashamed that my balls had temporarily diverted my attention from the fate of Rimjob.

"Edw—Captain." Cornflower blue eyes blinked back at me, and for a moment, I allowed myself to remember how it felt to lose myself inside them. "What's your ETA?"

"Scottley?"

"Zero-point-one-five hours, Cap'n."

"Dammit, Sam, speak English. Nine minutes, Ri."

"I'll be heading up the welcome team personally."

McCoyty sniggered, "Beam me down, Scottley! Pretty please?"

* * *

**A/N: Maybe it's better the Captain's nads are out of commission for a while! McCoyty, on the other hand, seems pretty excited to touch down on terra FIRMA. ;) How is Whitspock doing with the tribble and smurf? What happened to all the sulfurous fumes? MR?**

**xxx ~IDH**


	49. Chapter 49

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 49  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Captain, would you care to let us in on your plan?" I swiveled my chair around and glared at Whitspock.

A plan?

I didn't have a fucking plan.

"You don't understand, Ed," McCoyty whispered harshly, leaning over the back of my chair so far I was sure his feet were dangling off the floor, "they've taken away everything the Rimjoboneans hold dear."

"So they're out of lube…big deal," I huffed, too absorbed in my own lack of penile-response to worry about anything else.

"It's not just that. They've outlawed show tunes and rhinestones," Boner sighed.

"Damn…that _is_ serious," Whitspock replied.

* * *

**A/N: I have no idea where the tribble and smurf are, but we are ready to set foot on Rimjob. I hear it's a nice place to visit. :-)  
**

**Hot Tot...did they take away the gym and Cher too?**

**MWAH!  
MR**


	50. Chapter 50

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 50  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

A bit self-conscious, I stepped forward and embraced Riley, so desperate for any sign of life from my cock I halfway hoped memories from that long-forgotten summer would cause the Major to twitch. I took a deep breath, soaking in his strange yet familiar scent and squeezing him a little harder than necessary, and felt nothing.

Filled with equal parts anxiety and relief, I glanced back at Isabella. She was eyeing us curiously, and I wondered what kind of vibes she'd read from Riley.

_Fuck_… I needed to get my mind off my broken cock and back on the mission.

* * *

**A/N: TIME JUMP! Look at Hot Tot... moving the story along. How did I become that girl?**

**FIFTY CHAPTERS AND NO LEMONS YET? COME ON 3HP! We need to get Edward's peen back in action, save the Rimjoboneians while simultaneously taking care of the Vulterra's, and figure out what to do with Anjess and Mike. Did I miss anything?**

**I adore each and every review we get. It's so exciting when we message each other with "DID YOU SEE THIS REVIEW?" I've been really fail at answering them lately, but I'm back on track for now I hope!**

**You're up IdH!**

**xx**

**HT**


	51. Chapter 51

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 51  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

With a firm clap of his hand around my shoulder, McCoyty materialized at my side. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your hot friend?"

"Protocol, Boner," I chided my overeager, undersexed friend, adding an elbow jab to drive the point home.

McCoyty snapped to attention like a cadet in his first week of training-chest out, shoulders back, eyes forward. All over Riley. I rewarded him with the introduction.

"Riley Biers, meet Dr. Emmett McCoyty, Chief Medical Officer of my ship and a helluva guy when he's not being the class clown."

Emmett smirked and reached for Riley's hand.

* * *

**A/N: What does Riley think of the doc? What does Cullenkirk think of his two friends ogling each other? What is going on in Anjess's cabin right now? And what is our erotipath thinking?**


	52. Chapter 52

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 52  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"I can see why they call you 'Boner'," Riley drawled, his eyes straying to the epic bulge in McCoyty's uniform slacks.

"Shoulda used that cock-and-ball-neutralizer on _you,_" I hissed under my breath as the rest of the crew, Isabella included, beamed down.

Introductions were made, and through it all, I found myself unable to find fault with my surroundings. There was nothing to show that the planet was on the brink of war.

"Oh no," Riley gasped suddenly, his hand grasping A-Whora's in a death grip.

"What _is_ that horrible noise?" Isabella gasped.

"The Volterrian's always arrive playing country music!"

* * *

**A/N: Oh NOES! Not country music! SAVE YOURSELF!  
**

**I was trying to think of an anti-gay music. Sorry if I offended anyone. You should know by now, we love everyone and will make fun of everyone in a calm and orderly fashion.**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	53. Chapter 53

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 53  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Dude… I like country music," Boner huffed.

Riley's horrified face turned toward Emmett. "My gaydar must be off since moving here… I thought you were one of us!"

"Oh, it's like that? Want me to prove I'm gay?" McCoyty sidled up next to Riley, his hand disappearing behind Riley's back. "Humans have two-hundred and six bones in their bodies… I'll be happy to add one more to yours."

"Doctor McCoyty!" Whitspock spat, looking unusually frazzled. "Can you please control yourself? The Volterrian's have progressed to honky-tonk! Somebody needs to put a stop to this!"

"Chill your Vulcan temper, man. I got this!"

* * *

**A/N: hehe... Get it? I happen to enjoy country music from time to time. *side eyes MR* **

**Happy Friday, sweet readers. We adore each and every one of you!**

**xx ~ HT**


	54. Chapter 54

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 54  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

First thing we need to do, Commander Biers, is get me out of this uniform and into yours," McCoyty said.

"Huh? OH! Of course …you're our plant. We'll get you a Rimjob suit, but I'm not commander of anything," a very flustered Riley answered.

"We'll just see about that later, sugar lips." McCoyty added with a lewd wink. He turned suddenly back to me. "Captain, I assume you can distract the Volterrians?"

"How the—?"

"Affirmative," Isabella asserted, stepping up and brushing against my hip.

My balls tingled and the Major twitched and filled with arousal. "Thank fuck," I whispered.

* * *

**A/N: Looks like the numbing has worn off and not a moment too soon!**

**Please accept my humble apologies for holding up the story. We were on the go all day yesterday and ended our night at "Vegas' sexiest floor show"! Now that the Major is back on line, how will the crew distract the hermaphroditic peen fencers? And will McCoyty take orders from Riley better than he will from his own Captain? STAY TUNED!**

**xx ~ IDH**


	55. Chapter 55

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 54  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

The pumping sound of country music got louder as the parade of Volterrians slowly moved closer to where we were standing.

"How the fuck are we supposed to keep them distracted?" I whispered into Isabella's ear as she pressed herself against my side.

"The Volterrians are a hermaphroditic species," Isabella hissed in my ear as her hands deftly unfastened the zipper of my slacks. "If they see a fully functioning couple nude, it will scramble their circuits and they will be unable to do anything but watch."

I hesitated for a moment…but how do you argue with logic like that?

* * *

**A/N: WHA? MR, are you drunk?  
**

**Yes, completely and totally smashed. **

**So, Hot Tot, they need to get it on to get the Volterrian's distracted. I love how each of us spell that shiz a little different.**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	56. Chapter 56

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 56  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Isabella's hand trailed over the bulge in my pants, and she grinned as she threw me a wink. "I see you're fully functioning again."

"Thank fuck," I whispered, batting her hands away. "Strip yourself, Ensign. We don't have much time."

A hand on my shoulder reminded me we were far from alone and Whitspock's soft whisper in my ear was nearly enough to deflate my erection. "If I may suggest an alternate, more logical solution, Captain. A-whora and I are already together, we can handle…"

"Fuck that shit!" Boner yelled. "If anyone's getting laid here, it's me and this guy!"

* * *

**A/N: I have no excuse. I'm completely sober.**

**In my defense tho... I had to look up how to spell Volterrian's every time so when someone changed it, I just went with the flow! BAHAHA. We are such a classy, organized group!**

**Say what? Orgy? WTH will those evil V's do if they see that?**

**xx ~ HT**


	57. Chapter 57

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 57  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Riley's jaw dropped. "_This guy_?"

"Sorry, dude, just trying to make a point."

"Look, guys, this isn't some pledge week pissing contest. A planet's fate is at stake!" As I spoke, a thin rainbow-colored mist swirled up from the surface and enveloped all of us.

Ensign Swann gasped. "We must hurry!"

Before I could work out a rational decision, Isabella plunged her hand down my pants and wrapped her fist around my aching erection. "_Now_, captain. We must join."

A thousand eyes were on me.

"Make it so—all of you. But remember, what happens on Rimjob stays on Rimjob."

* * *

**A/N: This is what happens when one potato goes to Vegas, one gets sloshed in the middle of the day, and the other is just a troublemaker! I apologize I haven't been able to keep up with reviews, and frankly, I'm a little frightened to look right about now! You guys are BRAVE and awesome and we love you! *Special shoutout to my off-duty beta chayasara for noticing my heinous misspelling this morning. The early bird catches the malaprop!**

**MR-go ahead. I'm all strapped in!**

**xx ~IDH**


	58. Chapter 58

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 58  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

As I swiftly pushed aside Isabella's uniform blouse, I felt a moment of anger that we had been forced into such a sticky situation.

"Don't worry," Isabella whispered in my ear as her grip tightened around my _achingly_ hard cock. "We would have gotten here eventually."

"Gotten where?" I gasped, all my thoughts suddenly centered on the delicate fingers holding my most precious appendage.

"Gotten this hot piece of meat inside me," she replied, making me groan and pant, struggling to keep from spilling my load.

"Quick, you need to mount me. Make sure my boobs are exposed."

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

**A/N: Giggles. Exposed boobs. I love it.  
**

**I bet I da Ho's seeing PLENTY of exposed boobage in Vegas. I have some exposed boobs going on at my house because while I sunscreened up my kids...yeah. I'm a lobster. **

**Awesomesauce. **

**What's next, Hot Tot?**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	59. Chapter 59

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 59  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I gripped Bella around the waist and pulled her close, kissing her swiftly on the mouth before diving for her luscious tits. I sucked her puckered nipple into my mouth and pushed her against the closest surface, which happened to be a nice sturdy table. Hoisting Bella up, I jerked her pants down and kissed my way down her soft, curvy belly while kneading her tits.

A whispered, "Fuck, that's hot," barely registered in my ears, only discernible because the horrid music had finally stopped.

From the side of my eye, I could see Whitspock's ears practically glowing bright pink.

* * *

**A/N: I be's exhausted peeps. Taking three mini-tots to the pool is exhausting!**

**Thanks for all of the love! You guys are fuh-reaking awesomesauce. **

**I really wanted Boner to say something crude but I just couldn't think of anything... THAT'S HOW TIRED I AM! What's next, Ho?**

**xx ~ HT**


	60. Chapter 60

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 60  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I narrowed my eyes at our Vulcan voyeur, preparing a long-distance mind-meld he wouldn't soon forget. A-whora jumped between us, saving Whitspock with an urgent, "Jazz, your immense powers of concentration are needed elsewhere."

Bella grabbed my chin and captured my gaze. "Don't worry about them...or anyone else. It's just you and me," she purred.

I felt a tug as she encased the tip of my cock in her tiny fist and pulled me to her entrance. "Engage," she smirked, wrapping her legs around me and digging her heels into my ass.

"Holy fuck ...Bella, is this your maiden voyage?"

* * *

**A/N: ****OMG, WHAT? She's a VIRGIN? ****So, MR, how's the terrain inside the Swannulen love canal? Will the Major need his shields? BAHAHA!**

**Sorry I'm a laggard, but I'm back home now and snuggled safe and sound in the captain's chair (in my own kitchen!)**

**Missed you all. Now let's see what's happening on Rimjob! IS IT WORKING?**

**xx**

**~IDH**


	61. Chapter 61

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 61  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Swannulans aren't able to copulate until they meet their one and only A'lar. I wasn't ready until I found you," she grunted as I struggled to keep from plowing into her rippled cavern. Her scorching heat pulsed around the sensitive skin of my cock, which did little to help the situation.

"Swannulans mate for life?" Her beautiful face scrunched up in pain as she nodded.

Fuck.

Mate for life?

Was that something I wanted to get myself into?

I stared down at the stunning woman beneath me, the tip of my cock encased in her delightfully snug canal and decided…

* * *

**A/N: Mate for life? Like rabbits and swans and...Hollywood couples?**

**We'll let Hot Tot decide if that happens or not. Though she's not feeling so hot today. Maybe I should have just given her an easy chapter. :-(**

**Too late now!**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	62. Chapter 62

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 62  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Hell-fucking-yeah I wanted her for life!

I leaned forward, covering up her perky tits, and pressed my forehead to hers. "I a'lar you," I whispered, kissing her gently and sliding my hips forward.

Isabella giggled and I forced myself to stay still when all I really wanted to do was thrust harder. "I know you're new at this, but it's not really polite to laugh at this point."

"No! It's not that. I think the phrase you're looking for is 'Oerh mach'lar unf.'"

Suddenly, I noticed the horrid sounds of country music floating through the air.

"Better get moving, Captain!"

* * *

**A/N: Hot Tot managed to muddle through 100 words:) You guys can thank my stubborn mini-tot for this early update! Tho making them come inside is more of a punishment for me sometimes, I think!**

**What's next, da Ho? Those V-people are back on the move. Better uncover Bella's tits and make Edward get to strokin'!**

***tackles hugs all of you guys* You're awesome. You're reviews are awesome. I can't believe you love our words. Thank you so much!**

**xx ~ HT**


	63. Chapter 63

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 63  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Cease and desist IMMEDIATELY!"

A shadow fell across Bella's beautiful tits, and I looked up at the large, unhappy blonde man scowling down at us.

With great effort, I slowed my thrusters to a leisurely pace and pumped my unf—or a'lar or whatever. "Says ...who?"

"James Khan, leader of Volterra, and you are incurring my wrath."

I peeked around his imposing form just in time to see Riley and Boner make their escape. "Have we landed on Planet Cockblock by mistake?"

Isabella giggled, and I bit back my smirk.

"Stop!" the tyrant ordered again.

But I didn't—_we_ didn't.

* * *

**A/N: OH NO! The Wrath of Khan! Oh wait, was that James Caan? Dang, I loved him in _Brian's Son_g!**

**How long can the captain hold off the major, MR?**

**xx ~ IDH**


	64. Chapter 64

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 64  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"This is an abomination!" Khan shouted, yet I noticed he didn't look away. In fact, his eyes stayed locked on Bella's luscious tits.

"Right there!" Bella ordered as I hit some sensitive spot inside her. I reached down and pulled her leg up over my shoulder.

Bella's tunnel of a'lar clamped down on me as she shuddered her way through an orgasm. Only then did I give the Major permission to loose his load.

I rolled to my side and pulled Bella into my arms, covering her.

I smirked as I realized I'd gone where no man had gone before.

* * *

**A/N: Planet Cockblock...I'd hate to live there.  
**

**So...what happens now? Will Bella squirt out some Swannulan baby with antenna and six eyes? Will the Rimjoboneanians ever get to dry hump in peace? **

**I have no idea. Maybe Hot Tot knows.**

**Your reviews make all of us smile and find more ways to shock and awe you. I think I spelled awe wrong. I'm too lazy to look that shiz up.**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	65. Chapter 65

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 65  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Feeling pretty full of yourself?" Isabella cooed.

"Not as full as you feel!"

Isabella's tinkling laughter sounded like music to my ears. "Oh, that's the worst punalty ever!"

I stared into Isabella's face, trying to memorize the way her eyes twinkled and the right side of her smile pulled up just a bit more than the left.

"I—"

"Uhh… Captain," Boner said, tapping me on the shoulder. "We're all super happy you've found your ulare and all, but we kind of have a thing going on over here."

Looking around, I took in the faces of some very angry…

* * *

**A/N: There was no way to follow MR's epic chapter. Tunnel of a'lar... where no man has been before... Bella ignoring Khan completely and ordering Edward around! Loved it!**

**What's next IdH?**

**xx ~ HT**


	66. Chapter 66

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 66  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

...Twifleet crew members. Sliding gracefully out of Bella, I stepped in front of her and tucked away the Major.

"Yorlu, Scottley, what the hell are you doing down here? I ordered everyone back to the ship!"

"Aye, Cap'n. My lads in engineering discovered a disturbance in the planet's atmosphere, and we beamed down to investigate. My duotronic probe indicates a plasma surplus in this quadrant." Scottley glared indignantly at us. "Would you know anything about that?"

"Yes, and I'm about to tell you where to stick your probe."

"Lay down your weapons, space fornicators," boomed Khan.

"We're fucked," Boner hissed.

* * *

**A/N: THIS was SO HARD! WOW. Who could be angry? I wondered. Half of them are getting it on, the other half are scrambledly watching. (Is TOO a word, chaya!) It could only be Scottley, and I think he's just pissed he missed out on the massive Rimjob orgy.**

**Please, MR, get us out of this mess. OMG, what am I saying?**

**xx ~ IDH**


	67. Chapter 67

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 67  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Let me handle this," I snapped back at Boner, making sure Bella's bits were completely covered before I stepped forward and stood toe to toe with Khan.

"These people have done nothing to incite your ire," I growled. Khan swung his long hair over his shoulder and leaned closer, his nose nearly touching mine.

"They exist," he spat, disgust evident in his tone and expression.

"Keep fucking with the Rimjoboneians and _you_ won't exist," I vowed.

"Volterrians!" Khan shouted without breaking eye contact, "attack!"

I braced myself for battle, but Khan simply raised his hands and half-heartedly slapped my cheeks.

* * *

**A/N: :-( I can fix shiz. Sometimes. Okay...usually I just make a mess of things. But I tried hard this time!  
**

**So...you know how those overly flamboyant gay stereotypes fight? All hair pulling and bitch slapping?**

**Yeah.**

**What's next, Hot Tot?**

**I'm sorry that I haven't done any review replies in like...60 some chapters. I suck. Life sucks...seriously it does. But know that I totally love and appreciate and treasure each and every one.**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	68. Chapter 68

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 68  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Uhh…" I stammered.

"Dude! Hit him back!" Boner urged, nudging me harder than Khan slapped me.

"I can't hit him! He hits like a girl!"

"Well I _am_ a girl sometimes!" Khan defended himself. "And I hate it! That fucking douchebag Laurent has the strongest dick in three galaxies and for some reason he only wants me!"

"Can't really blame him. You are sorta pretty, or at least you would be with a little soap." Boner eyed Khan's hair. "Maybe a comb."

"Dude!" Riley yelled. "What about me?"

"No worries, baby. I'm all yours," Boner leered.

"Can _anyone _here focus?"

* * *

**A/N: What? Who said that? IDK. I ran out of words. Sounds to me like these V people need to work out a every other time deal or perhaps... bring in a species whose vajayjays duke it out to see who gets to carry the babies! **

**If you recall... the Volterrians (or whatever we're calling them now) have a battle of the peens in which the loser has to carry the offspring of their coitus. **

**Now... who said that, Ho?**

**xx ~ HT**


	69. Chapter 69

**Twi Trek  
**

**Chapter 69  
**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

**Chapter 69**

Every head on Rimjob turned toward the tiniest officer in the fleet. A-whora's balled-up fists pressed against her hips. "What we've got here," she shouted, "is a failure to communicate."

Whitspock rushed to her side, blushing neon green. "Sweetie, perhaps this isn't the best time for your Cool Hand Luke impersonation?"

"As I was saying..." she plowed on, pushing her Vulcan lover aside and shoving a mighty finger into Khan's breastplate, "you need to stow your peen-swords and sit down and talk."

"I won't talk with _those people_," Khan spat.

"Captain, don't!" Boner warned, but it was too late.

"_Kaaaaaaaahn_!"

* * *

**A/N: The roar heard around the galaxy! If you haven't seen the real Jim Kirk bellow this out, you're really missing out! **

**Please tell me you know _Cool Hand Luke_! Paul Newman eats like a bajillion hard-boiled eggs while in prison. I think it was Sandy Southern's egg salad/poot talk that made me think of this, so you should probably blame her.**

**I really tried to work in a 69 in honor of the chapter number, and I think that should be a rule going forward, but I just couldn't, in good conscience.**

******NOW WHAT, MR? The wrath of Cullenkirk? The tatas of Tinkerbelle? The trouble with Tribbles? And what is Khan hiding under that breastplate? Oh ma lord.**

******xx ~IDH**


	70. Chapter 70

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 70**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"I think we're gonna need a bigger boat," Boner mumbled and I turned and stared at him, causing his cheeks to flush. "What? I thought we were doing movie quotes."

"I'm surrounded by idiots," I sighed. Bella slid her hand into mine, grabbing my attention.

"What if I just turn off the Volterrian's sexual impulses, much like McCoyty did to you?" At that point, I would have done anything to get off planet Rimjob and back inside my new mate.

"Make it so."

The air seemed to shimmer around us and then suddenly…

"Riley, you have such a purty mouth."

* * *

**A/N: I love that its like the year 2335 or something crazy and they're quoting movies from the 1970s.  
**

**WHAT HAPPENED? I bet Bella hit the wrong switch and hypersexualized everyone! **

**ORGY!**

***Sorry...it's been a year long drought for my poor girly bits, so everything becomes sexual to me. **

**Was that what you were looking for, Sandy?**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	71. Chapter 71

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 71**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Back up, dude. He's mine," Boner threw his arm across Riley's chest to shield him from Khan. "Control your woman, Captain! She's supposed to turn them _off_ not on!"

"Watch it, Doctor, or I'll turn you off permanently," Isabella said, twitching her nose.

"Was that it?" I asked, waving my finger around her face.

"Do I look like Samantha Stephens to you? I had an itch."

"Right," I sighed, wondering if I'd ever understand anything ever again. "So… can you do it now?"

"Working on it, baby. I have to do one kegel per Volterrian. Might take a hot minute."

* * *

**A/N: hahaaaaaaa... IDEK what's going on. I feel like Edward. But I had to round out the 70's theme they started. Even though mine was a TV show...**

**Work it, Bella! Edward's gotta love this!**

**love to all!**

**xx ~ HT**


	72. Chapter 72

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 72**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Hot indeed. My circuits were going haywire watching Bella concentrate on working her mountainous love canal. _Clench_. Release. _Clench_. Release.

"Kegel Khan quicker!" McCoyty pleaded.

Whitspock nodded. "I concur. Remove the snake's head and the entire species will fall into line."

"Who deigns to harm my mate's snake?" The ground shook as a large dark-skinned Volterrian stepped up behind Khan and wrapped a possessive arm around his waist.

"Laurent," Khan grumbled, tipping his head submissively and offering the bigger man his neck.

"Yes, pet. I'm here to save your libido. Who must I peen fence?"

I'd heard just about enough.

* * *

**A/N: Now some shizzle's gonna go down! Is Isabella's clenching cooch any match for the strongest peen in 3 galaxies? Is the Captain's fazer permanently set to stun? Do tell, MR!**

**I'm on an island with spotty internet doing my best to keep up with the madness, but OMG are we almost at 1000 reviews for this puppy? MAKE IT SO, dear readers! LOVE IT!**

**xx ~ IDH**


	73. Chapter 73

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 73**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"I'm about done with this shit," I snarled, once more stepping forward, commanding attention. "My name is Edward Tiberius Cullenkirk, and if peen fencing is the only way to get you assholes to leave these asshole-lovers alone, then so be it."

Chaos exploded around me, with Bella and Boner attempting to persuade me to forget the entire endeavor and Riley trying to get my pants down and prep my peen.

"I don't need a damn fluffer!" I snapped, pushing the excited Rimjoboneian out of the way. I turned to look at Bella. "Will you still want me if I'm peenless?"

* * *

**A/N: Ahhhh! Captain Cullenkirk is going to peen fence! Protect the Major!  
**

**So..._will_ she still want him if he's peenless? *For the record, no...I don't want you if you ain't got no lovestick.**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	74. Chapter 74

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 74**

**********************Ƭ**Ƭ ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Isabella's face twisted in pure horror, and I watched her throat bob as she gulped.

"Bella?"

"Of course!" she cried suddenly. "I'm sorry, but that was fucking awesome. Can you try _really_ hard to win?"

I stepped toward Bella and cupped the back of her neck. "Yeah, baby. I'll try really hard. Promise. Kiss for good luck?"

Isabella nodded once and dropped to her knees. I nearly came on the spot as her brown eyes peeked up at me. "This'll only distract him for a few moments; you must be quick," she whispered before sucking my cock down her throat.

* * *

**A/N: Hehehe... you guys were expecting a sword fight and I gave you a little head. #WIN**

**Sorry I'm so late posting. RL blah blah blah.**

**Hope everyone who celebrated the fourth this weekend had fun! We sure did!**

**xx**

**HT**


	75. Chapter 75

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 75**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Laurent's eyes glazed over, and I knew this was my only chance to liberate Planet Rimjob from their judgmental overlords. With a mighty effort, I withdrew my cock from the warm, moist suction and thrashed at the giant hermaphrodite to my right with a loud, "En garde!"

Just as the tip of my sword made contact with Laurent's low-lying fruit, Whitspock jumped between us. "Captain, I must object."

"What the fuck, 'Spock?" I snarled, watching my saber fade and wither as it trailed pre-cum across my first officer's shirt.

"The Prime Directive, Captain. Have you forgotten our highest moral obligation?"

* * *

**A/N: Where's my damn moral compass when I need it? I think our captain is caught between a cock and a hard face!**

**Sorry about the wonky post-delete-repost of chapter 75. I thought I was being helpful. *pulls on angel wings and halo***

**Love you guys to the next galaxy and back!**

**Oh...and thank you to everyone who voted for Pledge Week in the poll. We didn't come in the top ten, and though it stung a bit, it probably bodes well for civilization!**

**xoxo ****~IDH**


	76. Chapter 76

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 76**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I shoved Whitspock aside roughly and took my half-hard cock in hand, quickly jerking it back to full throttle.

"You may not know, my friend," I snarled to Whitspock as I approached the still-unaware Laurent, "but the Prime Directive can be overruled by the Omega Directive. As captain, I'm using any and all means necessary to destroy a perceived threat. In this case, any and all means...means my junk."

As I lunged forward, my wildly hard shaft was no match for Laurent's floppy unit. A second later, he fell to his knees, clutching his incipit peen and sobbing pathetically.

* * *

**A/N: ****The only stated exception to the Prime Directive is the Omega Directive, Starfleet's General Order number 0, in which a Starfleet captain is authorized to take any and all means necessary to destroy Omega Molecules when detected. Whenever the Omega Directive is in force, all other general orders and regulations, including the Prime Directive, are effectively rescinded.**

**Man, da Ho...you sure set forth a challenge! But I think, with some research, I managed to pull it out.**

**I think I got most every word for penis in this chapter. No...there's a bunch I missed...but it was fun trying!  
WHAT HAPPENS NOW, Hot Tot?**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	77. Chapter 77

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 77**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

A loud roar erupted to my right, and my jaw fell open as hundreds of Rimjoboneians dropped to their knees.

"Hail, Captain Cullenkirk!" they yelled in unison.

Riley knee-walked forward, head still bowed, and stopped right in front of my still-ginormous erection.

"It is our custom for every Rimjoboneian to perform fellatio for our savior."

"Fuck that!" Isabella yelled.

"Do not think so!" Boner echoed.

"Right..." I stammered. "As delightful as that sounds, I think I'll pass or she'll finish off the job he tried to start."

"Damn straight," Isabella said, sidling up to me and grabbing my cock. "Mine!"

* * *

**A/N: The sweet IdH is posting this for me since one of my mini-tots broke our Internet. No review replies for me tonight! So sorry. But I really do love every one. You guys just don't even know how much it means! So thank you! **

**What's next!?**

**Xx ~ HT**


	78. Chapter 78

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 78**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Yes...ahem...Ensign," I agreed, tenderly but firmly removing her hand and tucking my victorious erection into my slacks. "I don't think anyone is disputing that, babe."

"In that case," Riley said, rising to his feet, "perhaps the good doctor and I might be excused while you work things out with Khan?"

I took one look at Emmett's googly green eyes, and I knew that he was completely gone for this guy. He was bouncing on his toes, waiting to spring at my command.

"Go! Get him outta here, Riley. Just please, make sure his phaser is set to stun."

* * *

**A/N: Honestly? Following those last two chapters was ridiculously intimidating. The hero worship really got me. And did you see the way MR pulled out her Omega Directive and rode rough-shod on me? Holy mother of overrides!**

**I think Riley and Boner need some time alone. How is this thing gonna go down between Khan and Cullenkirk, MR?**

**Xx ~ IDH**


	79. Chapter 79

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 79**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"I can't believe your human package defeated Laurent," Khan mumbled, staring at the still-obvious bulge in my slacks.

"I can't believe that fucker's fucker was the best peen your people had," I replied. I was riding high from both my amazing success and the promise of some private sexing in the near future.

"What happens now?" I sighed and rubbed my jaw.

"Listen, Khany, you people need to just learn to get along. No more peen battles and pussy porn. The boys here on Rimjob like cock…and that's fine. Stop with the war and everything can go back to normal."

* * *

**A/N: Damn...I really wanted a Riley/Boner outtake. Why did that not happen?  
**

**So...will things stay normal? Will Khany let everyone get along? **

**Tune in to Tot's chapter to find out!**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	80. Chapter 80

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 80**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Clutching Isabella's hand, I pulled her down the corridor toward my chambers.

"I can't believe Khan rolled over so easily for you." Her beautiful face glowed without the Romulan-esk mask.

"I would've done the same for anyone who stopped that fugly motherfucker from making me squeeze a baby out of my dick every year." I shuddered at the thought.

Isabella stopped, jerking me against her. "Does this mean we get to celebrate now?" Her hot breath fanned against my neck, making me shiver.

"Captain? Could you possibly marry us first?"

"Anjess! Who the hell let you out?"

* * *

**A/N: **** TIME JUMP!****  
**

**guys... I must love you! We are now 24 hours without the Internet and I fully expect a dinosaur to walk by any second now. They said it'll be next Wednesday before they can come fix us! Ahhhh!**

**anygay, this was lovingly pounded out on my phone. I think I fixed all of the wacky typos. If not please forgive. Until I have real Internet I won't be answering many reviews and I apologize. It's just a little too much. **

**Live to all!**

**will there be a wedding, dH?**

**xx ~ HT**


	81. Chapter 81

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 81**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Mike has skills," Anjess shrugged, "and lacks a backbone."

"Pshh, no shit," my girlfriend retorted.

"I meant that literally, walnut face. He can flatten himself to the depth of a dime. Your archaic locking mechanisms are no match for a tribble in love."

"I told Boner to lock them up together," Bella grumbled.

"All we want is our equal right to marry and live our lives in blissful inter-special harmony."

"Sounds good to me," I answered, sneaking a look at Bella. I didn't know where she stood on this whole marriage thing, but I vowed to find out—and soon.

* * *

**A/N: There might be TWO weddings...or three, if Riley and Boner ever finish whatever they're doing.**

**What ARE they doing? I want to know.**

**And by the way, HT, the babies don't come out the dicks. They have girl parts, too.**

**xx ~ IDH**


	82. Chapter 82

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 82**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"Did that mask _really_ make me look like a walnut?" Bella hissed.

"No," I said, reassuring her as I glared at Anjess, "the bitch is fucking blind."

"Duh!" Anjess spat as she reached down and picked up her fluffy husband-to-be. "You might want to call housekeeping to clean up that holding room. We got a little bit amorous all over the floor."

I tried to stop, I really did, but I leaned forward and glanced inside the aforementioned room anyway…then had to smother a gag with my hand.

"Damn people, could you have at least _tried _to clean it up?"

* * *

**A/N: Babies don't come out of dicks...good to know! I totally pictured that, though. Like those squishy worm toys that turn inside out on itself and looks like foreskin.  
**

**Hey...MR...are you drunk?**

**Yep...yep I am. Want me to ruin any other childhood memories for ya? I can.**

**So...tribble cum all over the floor. Not a walnut. Cleanup on aisle four.**

**Anything else?**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	83. Chapter 83

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 83**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

Anjess skipped off, ring on her finger and Mike nestled on her shoulder, nearly falling face first when Boner stuck his foot out in front of her. He must've still been mad about having to play with blue and orange jizz, but with an unprecedented interspecies coupling, I'd needed the doctor to run some tests before I could marry them in good conscience.

Riley giggled and I smiled at the dopey way Boner hooked his arm around Riley's neck, dragging him over. I'd been fucking floored when they'd come aboard, telling us Riley was leaving Rimjob if I promised to wed them.

* * *

**A/N: I tried to pick up where MR left off, but I couldn't. *shudders***

**Yayyyy! Another wedding!**

**Fun fact about Hot Tot... I used to work with this super annoying, fresh outta college, know-it-all kid who smelled like beef and cheese. Instead of ... idk, actually doing his job, he was always trying to impress us with his wealth of knowledge on stupid, made-up shizzle**. It got to the point where we just rolled **our eyes and walked away as he floundered over what he was saying. One time tho, he told us about his college professor who taught them that the only reason men couldn't have babies was there was no way to deliver the baby or get the egg into the man's body. He seemed unconcerned with the fact the men don't have... Oh, idk, a uterus. **

**Anyway... That delightful conversation ran through my head as I planned out the internal workings of the Volterrian's. They do have both parts, IdH, but only the insides of a girl. Imagine really** **intense docking as way of procreation and an incredibly painful delivery when it's time. **

**Ok. Enough rambling! Happy Fourth to all of our American readers! I hope you have a fabulous day!**

**Xx ~ HT**


	84. Chapter 84

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 84**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

I turned toward the heavy sigh behind me.

"All these weddings," A-whora said, batting her eyelashes at Whitspock.

"Technically, 'all' refers to more than two."

A-whora's mouth flattened into a pinched line. "Thank you, Wikispockia."

"Of course, if you were including the proposal I'm about to deliver, your indefinite pronoun would be correct."

My communications officer emitted a piercing shriek and jumped into Whitspock's open arms. "Oh, Jazzy, yes, yes, _yes_!"

I caught the tiniest hint of a smile forming on my first officer's lips. _Well done_, I mouthed, before mining the depths of my guts for the right words.

* * *

**A/N: Left the money shot for you, MR. Have at it! No pressure, but he's mining depths here! **

**Honestly, when we started this thing, I did not anticipate inter-special, multicolored jizz analysis, but then again, _hermaphroditic peen swords_? Surely, no man has gone here before, and I'm pretty sure there's a reason for it.**

**Sigh...if you've gotten the sense we're winding down here, I think you'd be right. Not that I know for sure...I never know anything. Well, not true. I know I love you bold readers and I love my crazy tater girls.**

**Xx ~ IDH**

**PS- Aside from outtake requests-which are more than welcome-and requests to stop writing-good luck with that-any ideas for our next story? All these pictures of Superman underoos have me pondering... *CACKLES MADLY***


	85. Chapter 85

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 85**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

"I believe the words you are searching for are 'Will you marry me," my snarky Ensign cooed as she wrapped her arms around my waist. I couldn't resist a smile as I looked down at her glowing face.

No seriously…she was actually glowing.

"We can use you as a nightlight," I said, stroking my finger across her bright blue cheeks.

"I can't help it. When I'm happy, I glow."

"Well, be prepared to be my own personal glow stick for the next thousand years," I teased as I dropped my lips to hers and kissed her to infinity and beyond!

* * *

**A/N: I know...that's Toy Story, but I thought it was appropriate.  
**

**Is that the end? Who knows! **

***sigh* **

**Writing these chapters, reading your reviews, getting that daily surprise from the two people in the world I can't live without...these are the things that make me happy.**

**I have a feeling some outtakes might be on the way...you never know!**

**MWAH!**

**MR**


	86. Chapter 86

**Twi Trek  
**

******Chapter 86**

**********************************Ƭ****Ƭ** ******ΞО ************Ƭ****Ƭ**

_Captain's Log_

_Stardate: 3039_

_Today we begin our journey back to Earth so we can report our discoveries from our five-year journey through space. Not many ships get the opportunity to marry off their captain, first officer, and primary physician, but also save an entire planet from sexual frustration. Not only on Rimjob, buy again at our final destination, planet Tossed Salad._

"Dude, maybe you should take to someone at Starfleet about renaming that last one. A planet full of screaming va-jay-jays should be named planet Muff."

"For fuck's sake, Boner! Can you ever just keep your damn mouth shut?"

* * *

**A/N: **** That's it! We will be posting a special Boner/Riley something. Cuz... They're just too hot. So stay tuned for that! And of course whatever we dream up to write next! We thank you guys from the bottom of our hearts for all of your support. These things are so fun for us and we love that you overlook small (huge) plot holes and go along for the fun! Love you guys to infinity and beyond!**

**XX ~ HT**

**ps... Soooo sorry for the epic delay! I've been super busy and without a computer/Internet it's hard to keep up on my phone!**


End file.
